It's a hot Sunday morning. My hair is pressed, and my socks are ruffled but the incessant  clacking of my barrettes is egging on the churning in my stomach. You see, my grandma don't  cook before church. Nope, that's too much to try and get all our little tails dressed and ready and  try to cook. So instead, you wake up bright and early to get a good seat and listen. Ignore the fact  that the smell of Blue Magic and watery Coco Butter lotion is making you nauseous, or that the burn mark on your ear is throbbing cause in her words she “barely touched you.”Put all that aside because it's time to listen. No- not to the word of God, but to your surroundings.

 

You see sister Gladice over there? Her daughter is on her third baby...at 17. Smile, Wave.  

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Up next is Trayvon Jr, he stay in jail honey and that smell coming from his car tells us  that's exactly where he headed back to. Smile, Wave.  

And you can't forget about Jessica, child.... she supposed to be the preacher's daughter but  the pole she swing on is everything but holy. Smile, wave. 

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And when all is said and done, grandma goes home, calls up her friend, and says the same  phrase- “I'm not judging nobody but...” and I, as I was taught to do, observed and complied. Judgment & jealousy. Insecurity & overcompensation are the worst diseases to afflict the black  community, and I have observed and complied with them for most of my life. In school, in sports,  and even in my own household I have grown accustomed to the judgmental eye. And in turn, have become completely desensitized to the destruction of the black community.  

As a result, I became painfully self-aware, so much so that some pretentious therapist  would call it “social anxiety”. But how could I not, every action and every reaction came with a  price, and if I screwed up, the price was my sanity. I knew insecurity before I knew my times tables and social anxiety before my first pimple. But I never knew how normal this had become to me until I realized, the same family members I was so scared of, didn't even know my birthday. They  didn't call me; I couldn't even get a “Merry Christmas” text out of them. These are people that I never knew love or kindness from, yet was so entangled in their insecurities, yet they didn't care nothing about me. Their goal was never to uplift or love me but to put me on their level. Show me  that just like them I only amount to the gossip I fished out among the pews. 

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I began asking myself, “Do you really want to be on the same level as the people who can't even stop judgment in God’s house? Are these the people you want in your life? Has the blood ever been thicker for them?” The answer to all these questions is hell no. Those people, family or  not, do not reflect the life I want to live therefore they cannot be a part of it. I am a person who has fought with anxiety all her life, and My God I was not going to let a bunch of holier-than[thou churchgoers be what stops me from succeeding. I removed them from my life, they didn't mind it one bit, and neither did I. Funnily enough, they love you when they see you're going to amount to more than them.

 

So, when May 1, 2024, rolled up and I declared I would be attending The Howard  University, on scholarship, going into law, oh baby they flocked like vultures. So much support  and so much Suprise cause “who knew little Ryann was so smart” and “If you ever need something  call me” -But vultures carry diseases, and those diseases sound like: 

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“Ryann going so far away from home, she must be trying to get away from her folks” and  “Cassandra and Robert must be in there fighting all day to make her want to go to school so far  away from home.”  

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The conclusion to those conversations was that their condition was terminal, and I would  not attempt to be the cure. 

 

Of course, all this ‘love’ is temporary and since that day I have not heard any more  conversation from them; they must have had a good church service. That was the turning point in  my life, and while it didn't physically impact me, the level of spiritual freedom that came with  removing that evil from my life was addictive.  

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Realistically this coin has two sides, and like many scorned I have a very hard time forming meaningful connections. But it comes from a place of survival and from deciding that misery will  not have my company, that applies to family, friends, coworkers, and everyone in between. The woman I am becoming and the person they tried to create no longer live side by side. So, on my  journey to prove everyone wrong I find myself praying for them, praying for the values they preach to penetrate their hearts, and maybe, just maybe, the value of family could penetrate mine.